US forces were given permission to conduct unilateral raid inside Pakistan if they knew where Bin Laden was hiding, officials say.
- Declan Walsh in Islamabad.
- The Guardian, Monday 9 May 2011 14.06 EDT?
- The deal was struck between Pervez Musharraf and George Bush in 2001 and renewed during the ‘transition to democracy’ – a six-month period from February 2008 when Musharraf was still president but a civilian government had been elected. Photograph: Joshua Roberts/Reuters
After this story was published, the All Pakistan Muslim League issued a statement denying that there is any truth in the allegation that an agreement had been struck between then military leader of Pakistan, General Pervez Musharraf, and President George Bush, to let American forces conduct operations against bin Laden inside Pakistan.
The US and Pakistan struck a secret deal almost a decade ago permitting a US operation against Osama bin Laden on Pakistani soil similar to last week’s raid that killed the al-Qaida leader, the Guardian has learned.
The deal was struck between the military leader General Pervez Musharraf and President George Bush after Bin Laden escaped US forces in the mountains of Tora Bora in late 2001, according to serving and retired Pakistani and US officials.
Under its terms, Pakistan would allow US forces to conduct a unilateral raid inside Pakistan in search of Bin Laden, his deputy, Ayman al-Zawahiri, and the al-Qaida No3. Afterwards, both sides agreed, Pakistan would vociferously protest the incursion.
“There was an agreement between Bush and Musharraf that if we knew where Osama was, we were going to come and get him,” said a former senior US official with knowledge of counterterrorism operations. “The Pakistanis would put up a hue and cry, but they wouldn’t stop us.”
The deal puts a new complexion on the political storm triggered by Bin Laden’s death in Abbottabad, 35 miles north of Islamabad, where a team of US navy Seals assaulted his safe house in the early hours of 2 May.
Pakistani officials have insisted they knew nothing of the raid, with military and civilian leaders issuing a strong rebuke to the US. If the US conducts another such assault, Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gilani warned parliament on Monday, “Pakistan reserves the right to retaliate with full force.”
Days earlier, Musharraf, now running an opposition party from exile in London, emerged as one of the most vocal critics of the raid, terming it a “violation of the sovereignty of Pakistan”.
But under the terms of the secret deal, while Pakistanis may not have been informed of the assault, they had agreed to it in principle.
A senior Pakistani official said it had been struck under Musharraf and renewed by the army during the “transition to democracy” – a six-month period from February 2008 when Musharraf was still president but a civilian government had been elected.
Referring to the assault on Bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound, the official added: “As far as our American friends are concerned, they have just implemented the agreement.”
The former US official said the Pakistani protests of the past week were the “public face” of the deal. “We knew they would deny this stuff.”
The agreement is consistent with Pakistan’s unspoken policy towards CIA drone strikes in the tribal belt, which was revealed by the WikiLeaks US embassy cables last November. In August 2008, Gilani reportedly told a US official: “I don’t care if they do it, as long as they get the right people. We’ll protest in the National Assembly and then ignore it.”
As drone strikes have escalated in the tribal belt over the past year, senior civilian and military officials issued pro forma denunciations even as it became clear the Pakistani military was co-operating with the covert programme.
The former US official said that impetus for the co-operation, much like the Bin Laden deal, was driven by the US. “It didn’t come from Musharraf’s desire. On the Predators, we made it very clear to them that if they weren’t going to prosecute these targets, we were, and there was nothing they could do to stop us taking unilateral action.
“We told them, over and again: ‘We’ll stop the Predators if you take these targets out yourselves.’”
Despite several attempts to contact his London office, the Guardian has been unable to obtain comment from Musharraf.
Since Bin Laden’s death, Pakistan has come under intense US scrutiny, including accusations that elements within Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence helped hide the al-Qaida leader.
On Sunday, President Barack Obama said Bin Laden must have had “some sort of support network” inside Pakistan.
“We don’t know whether there might have been some people inside of government, outside of government, and that’s something we have to investigate,” Obama said.
Gilani has stood firmly by the ISI, describing it as a “national asset”, and said claims that Pakistan was “in cahoots” with al-Qaida were “disingenuous”.
“Allegations of complicity or incompetence are absurd,” he said. “We didn’t invite Osama bin Laden to Pakistan.”
Gilani said the army had launched an investigation into how Bin Laden managed to hide inside Pakistan. Senior generals will give a briefing on the furore to parliament next Friday.
Gilani paid lip-service to the alliance with America and welcomed a forthcoming visit from the US secretary of state, Hillary Clinton, but pointedly paid tribute to help from China, whom he described as “a source of inspiration for the people of Pakistan”.
- IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE LYRICS
- Send “Cause Of Death” Ringtone to your Cell
“Cause Of Death”
Revolutionary Volume 2
Yeah, broadcasting live from Harlem, New York
Let the truth be known..
You better watch what the fuck flies outta ya mouth
Or I’ma hijack a plane and fly it into your house
Burn your apartment with your family tied to the couch
And slit your throat, so when you scream, only blood comes out
I doubt that there could ever be…a more wicked MC
‘Cause AIDS infested child molesters aren’t sicker than me
I see the world for what it is, beyond the white and the black
The way the government downplays historical facts
‘Cause the United States sponsored the rise of the 3rd Reich
Just like the CIA trained terrorists to the fight
Build bombs and sneak box cutters onto a flight
When I was a child, the Devil himself bought me a mic
But I refused the offer, ‘cause God sent me to strike
With skills unused like fallopian tubes on a dyke
My words’ll expose George Bush and Bin Laden
As two separate parts of the same seven headed dragon
And you can’t fathom the truth, so you don’t hear me
You think illuminati’s just a fucking conspiracy theory?
That’s why Conservative racists are all runnin’ shit
And your phone is tapped by the Federal Government
So I’m jammin’ frequencies in ya brain when you speak to me
Technique will rip a rapper to pieces indecently
Pack weapons illegally, because I’m never hesitant
Sniper scoping a commission controlling the president
Father, forgive them, for they don’t know right from wrong
The truth will set you free, written down in this song
And the song has the Cause of Death written in code
The Word of God brought to life, that’ll save ya soul..
Save ya soul motherfucker…save ya soul..
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I hacked the Pentagon for self-incriminating evidence
Of Republican manufactured white powder pestilence
Marines Corps. flack vest, with the guns and ammo
Spittin’ bars like a demon stuck inside a piano
Turn a Sambo into a soldier with just one line
Now here’s the truth about the system that’ll fuck up your mind
They gave Al Queda 6 billion dollars in 1989 to 1992
And now the last chapters of Revelations are coming true
And I know a lot of people find it hard to swallow this
Because subliminal bigotry makes you hate my politics
But you act like America wouldn’t destroy two buildings
In a country that was sponsoring bombs dropped on our children
I was watching the Towers, and though I wasn’t the closest
I saw them crumble to the Earth like they was full of explosives
And they thought nobody noticed the news report that they did
About the bombs planted on the George Washington bridge
Four Non-Arabs arrested during the emergency
And then it disappeared from the news permanently
They dubbed a tape of Osama, and they said it was proof
“Jealous of our freedom,” I can’t believe you bought that excuse
Rocking a motherfucking flag don’t make you a hero
Word to Ground Zero
The Devil crept into Heaven, God overslept on the 7th
The New World Order was born on September 9/11.
And just so Conservatives don’t take it to heart
I don’t think Bush did it, ‘cause he isn’t that smart
He’s just a stupid puppet taking orders on his cell phone
From the same people that sabotaged Senator Wellstone
The military industry got it poppin’ and lockin’
Looking for a way to justify the Wolfowitz Doctrine
And as a matter of fact, Rumsfeld, now that I think back
you couldn’t have a war in Iraq
Or a Defense budget of world conquest proportions
Kill freedom of speech and revoke the right to abortions
Tax cut extortion, a blessing to the wealthy and wicked
But you still have to answer to the Armageddon you scripted
And Dick Cheney, you fucking leech, tell them your plans
About building your pipelines through Afghanistan
And how Israeli troops trained the Taliban in Pakistan
You might have some house niggas fooled, but I understand.
- Colonialism is sponsored by corporations
- That’s why Halliburton gets paid to rebuild nation
- Tell me the truth, I don’t scare into paralysis
I know the CIA saw Bin Laden on dialysis
In ‘98 when he was Top Ten for the FBI
Government ties is really why the Government lies
Read it yourself instead of asking the Government why
‘Cause then the Cause of Death will cause the propaganda to die..
He is scheduled for 60 Minutes next.
He is going on French, British, Italian, Japanese television.
People everywhere are starting to listen to him.
It’s embarrassing.OCTOBER 13, 2013-11:59 AM AUGUST 6, 2013 HAPPY BIN LADEN DETERMINED TO STRIKE IN U.S. DAY!
Gather ’round, chilren, and we will tell you a tale from the olden times of a dozen years ago.
You kids these days, with your Justin Bieber haircuts (seriously, cut that shit out, you look like idiots) and your Snapchatting and your Instagramming so your parents who are still on Facebook don’t see what you’re really up to (oh yeah, we know about that, kids) probably can’t even imagine a time before terrorism mattered, but it’s true. Back then, a president’s love for vacation and brush-clearing was far more important than, like, protecting America from evildoers. Besides, Bill Clinton had been into protecting America and stopping terrorists, and in the early stage of his presidency, George Dubya Bush had intended for his legacy to be not being Bill Clinton. (That is why he also drove the economy straight into the ground, so no one would mistake him for Clinton, who gave us things like budget surpluses and jobs and stuff.) In those days, the Bush administration was far more concerned with things like busting pot clubs and covering up Lady Justice’s boobies because that’s what America used to be about, kids.
- But then, 12 years ago today exactly, the original Usurper-in-Chief — the one whose brother rigged the voting rolls in Florida and then got the Republican Supreme Court to be all “Counting votes is for pussies, Bush wins, but don’t EVER quote us on that EVER,” and no, we are NEVER going to stop being bitter about that — was too busy summering on his ranch in Texas to give even an eighth of a fuck about receiving a Presidential Daily Briefing titled “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.”
When bin Laden did “strike in U.S.” 36 days after Bush received a briefing that bin Laden was planning to do that — which NO ONE COULD HAVE PREDICTED, according to Bush’s work wife Condi Rice — everything changed, of course, and then only Republicans cared about terrorism, while Democrats were busy hating America and the troops and freedom. That’s exactly how it happened, kids.
Now, of course, we can no longer take regular-sized toothpaste on planes, and we are required to wear flag pins at all times, and we must immediately send an email to a friend for the NSA to read if we see a brown person doing something suspicious because 9/11 changed everything. It even turned french fries into freedom fries. We had to stock up on duct tape for some reason that was never explained to us, and we had to take our families to Disney World so the terrorists wouldn’t win, and we had to watch what we said so Ari Fleischer would not get us fired from our TV shows. (Okay, well, that was just one guy.)
Everything pretty much went to hell. We invaded all the wrong countries; let Republicans ram through a bunch of bullshit laws and tax cuts Democrats were too scared to stop, which tanked the economy; all of our friends around the globe started to hate us because we called them names like “Old Europe” and told them to kiss our fatAmerican asses; and we pretty much became an intergalactic laughing stock.
All because President Poo-fer-brains* was on his summer vacation and did not want to be bothered and when the nice man from the CIA said shit was about to go down, yo, instead of cutting his vacation short and doing his job presidenting America, he grumbled “All right. You’ve covered your ass, now” and went back to chugging non-alcoholic beers and playing cowboy, and that, kids, is how we ended up with a gnarly-ass terrorist strike a mere month later, but at least the president’s brush was cleared, the end.
*Under normal circumstances, we would call him President Shit-fer-brains, but we are being nice and restrained on account of how Bush apparently learned his lesson and decided to take that briefing he just got— arterial blockage determined to strike — seriously. We here at Wonkette send you our super heartfelt best wishes for a speedy recovery, George, so you can get back to painting creepy nude self-portraits to send your sister, whatever the fuck that’s about.
George W. Bush: God bless us all!
George W. Bush: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me… and won’t get fooled again.
George W. Bush: Whose job is it, to find these damn weapons?
George W. Bush: [Looks around the countryside] I think we missed the side road!
George W. Bush: I believe God wants me to be president!
George W. Bush: [about his father] This is my war, not his!
Karl Rove: Here they come they’ll be bringing the heat.
George W. Bush: I know, don’t swing at anything I can’t hit.
Reporter #1: Mr. Bush, Mr. Bush, you didn’t talk much about education. What are your plans for reform?
George W. Bush: Well, uh, I’m gonna deregulate school districts so that teachers and administrators can, you know, can develop programs to best fit their kids
Reporter #2: Sir, are you proposing to measure student’s progress?
George W. Bush: Oh, well, we need to make a wholesale effort against racial profiling, you know? Which is, uh, illiterate children. You need to be able to teach a child to read and then he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
Karl Rove: We’re in the very early stages of developing our program.
Reporter #2: How do you plan to change the school finance formula?
George W. Bush: I for one will not stand for the subsidization of failure. How do you know if you measure up if you have a system that simply
George W. Bush: suckles them through.
Reporter #2: What about our failed schools? Do you think the state needs to take them over?
George W. Bush: More government’s not the answer. We must have the attitude that every child in America, regardless where raised can learn. Rarely is the question asked is their children learning.
Karl Rove: If you can’t stand in front of those guys two minutes and come up with one plausible answer what the hell are we running for governor for?
George W. Bush: Just tell me what to do, whatever it takes. Look if I need to read the whole damn Constitution I’ll do it.
George W. Bush: Iran is not Iraq and Iraq is not Iran. I know that.
Barbara Bush: [about W. running for Governor of Texas] The fact is you can’t win.
George W. Bush: Why do you say that?
Barbara Bush: Because you’re too much like me. You’re loud, and you’ve got a short fuse. Now, Jeb is like your father. He thinks before he speaks.
George W. Bush: That was weird. When the pilots of Marine One said they were going to drop me off in New York City, I thought they were joking. I said, “Sure. Y’know, while you’re at it, why don’t you drop me off in the faggy Theater District?” And guess what, they did! So the joke’s on me. But let me be clear about something – I’m just kidding, okay? I don’t think theater’s faggy. Except for “Cats.” and “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change.” Yeah, that one’s queer and Yiddishy. You know, if you want to treat yourself to just a wonderful night out at the theater, just an outstanding show about pride and work ethic and values without any sort of gay agenda, go see “Rent.” Laura and I must’ve seen that show no less than eighty times.
George W. Bush: Let us pray. Dear Lord Jesus Christ, and by Jesus Christ I’m referring to blond, good-looking, lightly-bearded or clean-shaven Jesus Christ, not hippie-looking Jesus or swarthy, more Middle Eastern Jesus – who’s probably more historically accurate – not that guy. So dear clean-shaven or lightly-bearded-like-Mike-Piazza Jesus, we give thanks to you and to everything you do. Your love and acceptance washes over all of us like the warm healing waters in one of those European toilets that cleans you inside and out. I believe it’s called a bid-ett. Dear blond, almost Swiss-looking Jesus, we ask you to allow us to accept everyone in this theater tonight, regardless of their religious beliefs, whether it be Muslim, or Hindu, or Jewish, or witchcraft.
George W. Bush: For the next ten years, Secret Service has to do anything I want. For instance, if I’m at a Reba McEntire concert and I’m too tired to walk back to the car, Secret Service has to, by law, carry me piggyback back to the parking lot.
George W. Bush: I was a simple, normal kid. I liked to do simple, normal things. Like shoot wrist rockets at a stray cat strapped to a propane tank. Just basic mischief, you know? Or like this one time, we shot up a sleeping hobo full of novocaine, then we’d yell, “Pie on the windowsill!” And they’d wake up all numb and poor and we’d laugh. But that’s just the kind of stuff you do growing up in Midland, when you’re a young, precocious little thirty-year-old.
George W. Bush: One time, I did convince all the family to come down here one Easter. I took all the Bush men – Dad, Jeb, Neil, Marvin – on a tour of an old abandoned mineshaft I found on the outskirts of the ranch. It was fun, all the Bush guys reminiscing, clowning around in an old abandoned mineshaft, when wouldn’t you know, it collapses on us. We’d be trapped for three days, and the whole while, my Dad’s up my ass saying things like, “Goddammit, George! Did you test this shaft to see if it was safe?” I’m like, “No! Of course not! It’s just an abandoned mineshaft, you just go climb around in it! Besides, I thought you’d like it, ‘cause it’s historical!” And then Jeb’s like, “Everyone shut up, we’ve gotta conserve oxygen!” I’m like, “I don’t give a shit! God’s got a plan for me! If this is the way I go, then this is the way I go!” Then my Dad’s like, “Gimme a fucking break! Did you tell anyone where we were going?” And I’m like, “No! I didn’t! I only thought we’d be gone an hour!” He’s like, “You’ve gotta be kidding me!” All of a sudden, Marvin starts screaming, “I crushed my maid with a car!” And Neil starts yelling, “I once had sex with thirty Thai hookers at once!” And then Jeb’s like, “I’m being serious, let’s conserve oxygen!” I’m like, “Enough with the damn oxygen!” And my Dad’s like, “Why are you the only one in this family that speaks with a Texas accent? It makes no sense!” I’m like, “Do I? Do I have an accent? ‘Cause if I do, I can’t hear it!” And just then, as my Dad was about to lunge for my neck, we heard some rocks moving, and outside was my Mom, all ripped and muscular, throwing boulders away from the opening of the mineshaft. She then pulled us out one by one and placed us on a cart, and pulled the cart like a powerful draft horse all the way back home, her deltoids twitching, her loins covered in a milky white froth. It was one of the most gross and impressive things I’d ever seen. I was crying and barfing all at the same time.
George W. Bush: They said, “Gore’s calling again,” I’m like, “What’s his deal?” They said, “This time he’s calling to take back his concession ‘cause it’s too close to call and they’re doing a statewide recall,” and I’m like, “You can’t take it back!” He’s like, “Yes I can.” I’m like, “No you can’t.” He’s like, “Says who?” And I paused and I thought real hard. Then I said, “The Geneva Convention, that’s who,” and I hung up the phone again. turns out I was wrong. The Geneva Convention pertains more to the laws that will govern the Moon once it’s colonized. But it sure felt good at the moment.
George W. Bush: Yes, one time I did walk in on Dick Cheney down in the basement of the White House, and he was being fucked by a giant goat-devil in a room full of pentagrams. And he looked up at me with solid silver glowing orb-like eyes, and his breath had a strong ammonia scent to it, and he told me in a language that I knew in my heart had not been spoken in over a thousand years, “Parrav go lahlah!” And I just ran, I just got the hell out of there.
[Speaking about the book “The Pet Goat”]
George W. Bush: A mere eight months into my presidency, on September 11th, I’m interrupted from reading one of the more fascinating stories I’ve ever come across with news that the world as we know it has gone cuckoo. So stunned was I by the news of the day’s events, combined with the power of the narrative found in “The Pet Goat,” that I just sat there in silence for over seven minutes.
[On Morocco’s contribution to the Iraq War]
George W. Bush: Then of course there was Morocco, who pledged to send 2,000 monkeys to detonate land mines and perform at children’s parties. Then there seemed to be some question as to whether or not Morocco had the monkeys, and I said, “Regardless of whether they have them or not, that sounds cool as shit and I want that.” A special unit of 2,000 trained monkeys that we can send anywhere in the world to fight evil and make children laugh? Duh! Despite vigorous protests from my Cabinet, I put into motion Operation Primate Speargun. For one year, a special unit of 2,000 wild monkeys trained side by side with the 82nd Airborne down at Fort Bragg in total secrecy. In order to ensure a maximum covert operation, most of the training was done at night. I was heavily invested in the unit, so I’d often fly down to participate in field exercises, and one of the things I noticed during the exercises was that many of the monkeys would simply run off into the woods, randomly shooting their spearguns at each other or inanimate objects. So I asked my field commanders, I said, “How often had this been happening?” And they said that this type of thing had happened every single time. So then I asked a tough question, “Why do you think it’s happening?” The Major said that his guess was because they were wild monkeys, and that they as soldiers didn’t have the proper training to work with them. So I looked at ‘em right in the eye, and I said, “But we’re gonna get there, right?” He said, “I doubt it, Sir.” I said, “Well, hold on, let me ask you this. Are they at least entertaining the children?” He said he’d have no idea of knowing, but that his guess would be no, considering it was a top secret operation and no one knew the monkeys were there, especially the children. At the end of exercises, all but forty monkeys had run off into the North Carolina woods. Speargun attacks along the I-95 corridor have increased 1,000 percent in that time. So let me just tell you this: if you’re planning a car trip down to Disney World, don’t stop at the rest stops, okay? ‘Cause there’s a 50-50 chance a malnourished monkey is gonna pop up out of a toilet, shoot you in the face with a speargun.
George W. Bush: I just want to say one last thing. You’re welcome America.
“That’s My Bush!: An Aborted Dinner Date (#1.1)” (2001)
Karl Rove: The head of pro-life is on his way here, and from what I heard, he’s a freak.
President George Walker Bush: What kind of a freak?
Karl Rove: Well, apparently he was aborted 30 years ago, but managed to survive. And now he is bitter, he is angry, and he hates to be cancelled on.
George W. Bush: [in his office making a speech live reading a teleprompter] My fellow Americans, this week I plan to unite our country and bring both sides of the abortion issue together. In a historic summit. Abortion is a very serious, personal issue. And let me assure all of you that tonight you promised to have dinner with Laura.
[everyone sees that phrase on the teleprompter]
George W. Bush: I mean. Let me assure you all that I’ll do my best. Good night.
[leaves the office and goes to Laura]
George W. Bush: Laura, you have to stop putting reminder messages to me in the teleprompter.
Laura Bush: I just don’t want you to forget our dinner plans. And you don’t have time to talk to me.
George W. Bush: I’m talkin’ to you now.
Laura Bush: All right, fine. I was thinking…
Princess Stevenson: [Princess runs up to George] Mr. President, Mr. President? Mr. President. I was reviewing your scheduele on my palm pilot and realized that you only have 10 minutes to save the Earth from the Zinthians.
George W. Bush: That’s not a palm pilot, Princess. That’s a Gameboy.
Princess Stevenson: Then what’s this?
[holds out her other hand]
George W. Bush: That’s a cheeseburger. Come on, Princess. Let’s have another review session.
[leaves the room with her]
Karl Rove: Remember when I told you that this guy was aborted 30 years ago and he was a freak? Well, I should have widdled my fingers and trilled my R and said “frrrrreak”! He never even developed. He’s survived eating ants… and mice. Oh boy!
- George W. Bush: What do you mean? He’s kinda like a midget?
Harold Lee: After all the shit we’ve been through, I don’t… I don’t know if we can trust our government anymore.
George W. Bush: Trust the government? Heck, I’m in the government and I don’t even trust it. You don’t have to believe in your government to be a good American. You just have to believe in your country.
Kumar Patel: So you get high and you put other people who smoke weed in jail?
George W. Bush: DUH!
Kumar Patel: That’s so hypocritical!
George W. Bush: Oh yeah? Well let me ask you something, Kumar, do you like giving hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: No sir.
George W. Bush: Do you like gettin’ hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: [smirking] Heh, yeah.
George W. Bush: Yeah well, that makes you a fuckin’ hypocriticizer too, so shut the fuck up! Now smoke my weed.
George W. Bush: Shit. It’s Cheney. Come on, you guys. Keep quiet. Follow me.
George W. Bush: I’m wonder woman. I’ll deflect bullets with my arm bands. Shoot me general.
General: Don’t tempt me Mr. President.
George W. Bush: Shoreenagore.
General: No, Schwarzenegger.
George W. Bush: Mr. Shcwanangor.
[Arnold Schwarzenegger enters]
General: Mr President, Governer Schwarzenegger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hey, check it out
[pats Bush’s head]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: I’m patting Bush.
George W. Bush: Mr Schwalanalananger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hey, now I’m stroking Bush.
General: May God have mercy on us all.
George W. Bush: My daddy started the gulf war. I continued it. And now, my son, George Junior Junior will finish it. In about forty years time.
Lil’ George: All the numbers are here: one, two, seven, that guy.
George W Bush: The world is full of strangers who don’t share our point of view / And if they won’t keep silent then we know what we must do / We’re gonna get medieval on the Axis of Evil / Gonna be a great upheaval, tonight!
George W Bush: The UN’s so pernicity / The UN’s really a bore / The UN’s old and rickety / What’s the UN for?
Stan Smith: [Roger tries to talk to the president. Stan slams a door in his face so he falls down] Uuh, that’s our maid.
George W. Bush: Oh, fun! I love Mexicans! Some say they’re essential to our economy. Others say they’re a drain on our resources. All I know is, burritos are delicious!
George W. Bush: [Bush goes into the bathroom] Oh! There’s already a guy in here! Uh, Oh that’s, no that’s just a mirror.
George W. Bush: As your leader, I would be honored if America selected me to lead a dangerous suicide mission into outer space. But this letter from my daddy says I don’t got to go! Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah!
[“flies” across the room]
George W. Bush: Zoom zoom zoom! Zoom zoom zoom!
George W. Bush: George Bush always finds his man, save for one huge exception.
George Bush: My name is George W. Bush, and I approve this message: Tacos rule!
Jenna Bush: [trapped in a crate] Let us out!
Barbara Bush: Damn you to hell, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman!
Jenna Bush: My dad’s the president! I’m gonna get your buried in oil,and then I’m gonna have my daddy invade you!
Barbara Bush: My dad will get your hurt! Yeah, how’d you like to have your ass kicked by Halli-b-burton or Halliblurton?
Jenna Bush: Ha ha ha!
Barbara Bush: Think Jenna, we’re like old apples tied up to a bag of shit.
Jenna Bush: It’s dark! I got to go to the bathroom!
President George Walker Bush: [on the phone] You mean that guy in the Khaki Shorts? That dude from the discovery channel?
Lil’ George: Lil’ Cheney, stop forming a barber shop quartet with past versions of yourself.
George Bush: Ladies and gentlemen of the UN. We have evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there building weapons of mass destruction. We have tried to communicate with Saddam through a psychic, to ask him to let us see his warehouses in heaven, but he has not responded.
[Silence from the delegates]
Indian UN delegate: Of course he has not responded, because he’s dead!
[Bangs his fist on the table]
George Bush: Right. Dead and in heaven.
UN delegate #1: This is preposterous! Even if there was a heaven, what makes you think Saddam Hussein’s soul would be sent there?
George Bush: Our intelligence tells us that when Saddam was originally killed, his soul actually went to hell. But while in hell, he began a homosexual relationship with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Satan, however, decided he didn’t want to be with Hussein anymore, and broke up with him around August. When Saddam became yealous and tried to kill Satan’s new lover, Chris, Satan had Saddam sent to heaven to live with Mormones as a punishment.
George Bush: Questions?
[One man raises his hand]
George Bush: Yes?
UN delegate #2: Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?
George Bush: I assure you I am not high.
[after the 9/11 attacks]
- President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I’d like to address my remarks tonight to Mr. Osama bin Laden. Buddy, you screwed up big time. Guess what, Amigo. I’m coming to get you. I’m not alone, either. The American people are right behind me. You see, you made a big mistake. If you had any brains, you would have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or maybe a Beard-Off. You might have won that because I don’t have a beard. And when I do, it comes in patchy. But no, you messed up. Because if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s punishing evil-doers. You don’t believe me, there’s over 200 guys in Texas you can ask. Well… you can’t ask them right now, but you’ll have a chance real soon. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see your face when you went to the Kabul ATM to get some Quick-Cash. I bet it said “Insufficient Funds”. That’s right – we froze your assets. It probably ate your card, too. Make no mistake: we’re coming for you, bin Laden. I’m gonna make you my own personal “Where’s Waldo”. And unlike those frustrating Waldo books, I’m gonna find you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe tomorrow. There might be special operatives outside your cave right now, who knows? Just remember, I’ll see you real soon. Because you violated rule Numero Uno: You messed with Texas. That’s right. Don’t mess with Texas.
Bush’s Aide: Mr. President, we still haven’t found any weapons of mass destruction.
George W. Bush: [trying to do the Jedi mind trick] You HAVE found weapons of mass destruction.
Bush’s Aide: [stares at Bush] Uhh… hi. We haven’t.
George W. Bush: You HAVE.
Bush’s Aide: [sighs] I don’t know what you’re doing.
George W. Bush: Bring me a taco.
Bush’s Aide: Yes, sir.
George W. Bush: Heh, heh, heh… Tacos rule.
Recount (2008) (TV)
George W. Bush: Let me make sure I understand. You are calling back to retract your concession?
Al Gore: Excuse me, but you don’t have to get snippy about it.
George W. Bush: My little brother has assured me, I won the state of Florida.
Al Gore: Well, your little brother is not the ultimate authority on this.
George W. Bush: Mr. Vice President, you do what you have to do.
President George W. Bush: So what’s my secret? I don’t know. Mostly good genes I guess. And plenty of sleep. 14 hours a night. Every night, no ifs, ands or buts. Also keeping a moderate work schedule and taking frequent catnaps.
Lil’ George: Of course. When in doubt. Hide behind 9/11.
Osama bin Laden: Write me up an e-mail, tell me what pipe you’re talkin’ about and I’ll blow it all the way to Mecca.
George W. Bush: I really appreciate it. I’ll ask Laura to type that out. You know me and spelling and all…
Osama bin Laden: Later…
[hangs up; to Taliban]
Osama bin Laden: Jihad!
[Asked to Describe his statements in a Presidential Debate between him and Al Gore in one word]
George W. Bush: Strategery.
Lil’ George: Oh yeah, and the kid pope is an alien who goes to Hawaii to forget about his ex-girlfriend.